פרשת ויחי
ויראו אחי יוסף כי מת אביהם ויאמרו לו ישטמנו יוסף...| בראשית נ', ט"ו
And Yosef’s brothers saw that their father was dead, and they said, Perhaps Yosef will nurse hatred against us…
It was through the behavior of Yosef that the brothers “saw” clearly that Yaakov Avinu had died.
Rashi points out: “They were accustomed to dine at Yosef’s table and he was friendly toward them out of respect for their father, but as soon as Yaakov died, he was no longer friendly towards them.” Since Yosef was the king, Yaakov insisted that Yosef sit at the head of the table, and he did.
The medrash points out that after Yaakov dies, Yosef stopped inviting his brothers because he felt that it was inappropriate for him to sit at the head of the table as he was from the youngest of the shevatim.
Out of respect for his father, he did so as long as his father was alive, but now that Yaakov had passed away he thought it would be wrong to sit at the head.
The medrash continues that Yosef calculated that since their father wanted him to sit at the head, his brothers would wish to continue this practice and insist that he sit at the head. In order to avoid this perceived affront to their kavod, Yosef simply stopped inviting them to his house.
The brothers became afraid, because they did not understand his intention, they said to themselves, “Surely Yosef hates us and only treated us well because our father is alive!” They were afraid that now Yosef surely wants to kill them. We can only imagine the level of grief, pain and fear that this miscommunication was caused.
The Tolna Rebbe, R’ Yitzchok Menachem Weinberg Shlit’a in his sefer, "חמין במוצאי שבת" points out how often this occurs in families. Major family fights that sometimes last for years, begin with good intentions and bad communication! Had Yosef simply told his brothers the reason for his change of behavior, they would have understood him and even respected him for it! Instead there was terrible friction and pain. If we want shalom in our lives, says the Rebbe, we all must learn to explain why we do things to those that we love. Don’t assume they will understand. Communicate! It is a great way to create a peaceful home!
We can also apply this to our classrooms and to our students. At times we assume that they understand our true intentions while they are oblivious or at least unclear. Being clear when a message is conveyed will go along way in preventing confusion and at times even heart ache.
About the Author: Rabbi Yisroel Meir Rubinfeld
Rabbi Rubinfeld has been in the field of Torah education for over 3 decades and serves as an Executive School Consultant for Torah Umesorah. He provides an array of services to schools across North America, including teacher and principal mentorship, school and curricula evaluations, professional development and parent education.
Rabbi Rubinfeld's expertise includes classroom management and discipline, effective instruction, bullying, cultivating sensitivity in the classroom, impulse disorders (such as ADHD and ODD), and balancing the educational needs of mainstream and special needs children in the classroom.
Rabbi Rubinfeld is the also the founder and director of Torah Umesorah's Lilmod U'Lilamed department which provides professional development for teachers and principals throughout the year.
Rabbi Rubinfeld is a talmid of the distinguished Yeshivos of Yeshiva Rabbi Chaim Berlin, the Mirrer Yeshiva in Yerushalayim and Bais Medrash Govoha in Lakewood.