פרשת כי תצא
כי יהיה לאיש בן סורר ומורה איננו שמע בקול אביו ובקול אמו | דברים, כ"א, י"ח
If a man will have a wayward and rebellious son, who does not listen to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother.”
Chazal teach us a most essential principle in the area of Chinuch Habanim: “Always let the left-hand push away and the right hand draw close”.
HaRav Simcha Waserman zt”l explains that the principle for parents is that there must be a perfect balance between the left and the right hand. An extreme of one or the other can ruin a child and ruin a family.
The left hand represents the side of rigorous discipline, involving strict punishment. The right hand represents the side of tremendous affection and non-judgmental acceptance – unconditional love. If both hands are “left hands” and you use only discipline, then you end up simply pushing away. If both your hands are “right hands” and you express only love and affection, then you pull the child towards you, but you don’t change him at all.
But if the left-hand pushes while the right-hand pulls, the properly balanced use of the two mechanisms, can change and restore a child’s personality. These two aspects are what makes a child perfect.
We are all children of Hashem, and that is how He deals with us. He gives us a tremendous outpouring of love but plenty of discipline. We’ve all experienced that. Of course, even the discipline is a manifestation of love; a central tenet of our emunah as a nation is that when Hashem punishes us or sends us other difficulties, it is only because He loves us.
Likewise, in parenting, the most important thing to remember is that when balancing the love and the discipline, even the discipline has to be with love. We have to understand that whenever we establish discipline or rules or punishments, it is only out of the motivation of love. Thus, the first thing a parent must understand is the only out of the motivation of love. Thus, the first thing a parent has to be totally for the sake of improving the child.
This same applies to mechanchim who dedicate their lives to teaching Hashem’s Torah to His children. We must maintain a healthy balance. We are taught that children of our generation need extra mega doses of the right hand. Many of our students, unbeknownst to us, are living in an environment that is dishing out “left hands”. It is incumbent on us to balance it out by our extra portions of love, affection and acceptance. We should be zoche to have Hashem deal with accordingly. We should all have a great start of the new school year with an abundance of hazlocho and brocho in our avodas hakodesh.
About the Author: Rabbi Yisroel Meir Rubinfeld
Rabbi Rubinfeld has been in the field of Torah education for over 3 decades and serves as an Executive School Consultant for Torah Umesorah. He provides an array of services to schools across North America, including teacher and principal mentorship, school and curricula evaluations, professional development and parent education.
Rabbi Rubinfeld's expertise includes classroom management and discipline, effective instruction, bullying, cultivating sensitivity in the classroom, impulse disorders (such as ADHD and ODD), and balancing the educational needs of mainstream and special needs children in the classroom.
Rabbi Rubinfeld is the also the founder and director of Torah Umesorah's Lilmod U'Lilamed department which provides professional development for teachers and principals throughout the year.
Rabbi Rubinfeld is a talmid of the distinguished Yeshivos of Yeshiva Rabbi Chaim Berlin, the Mirrer Yeshiva in Yerushalayim and Bais Medrash Govoha in Lakewood.